Waz up! Just sitting here, 6:30 in the freakin' morning, contemplating death. Just kidding. Back to your note anyways. I want you too. But I have done some thinking. We have a really good friendship, and I would not want to put that at risk of failing, if a relationship should not work out. So I think we should talk more in person about this wanting each other thing. Not to sound hoeish, but Cassie and I should come over when your parents are out of town. I miss you so much its unbelievable! I have never missed anyone quite this much. Which brings me to my concern. You deserve better. I live like, forever away. We could see each other as much as we do now, which is not enough. We really need to talk to each other in person. It might be hard, and awkward, but I think it would make us both more comfortable in the long run. I should probably go now, because 7:00, and I have to brush my teeth. Tell Cassie I miss her too!
Sitting in health class. Bored as hell. I finished all my work and there is a half hour left. I get our of school really late, 3:25. It's been a really shitty day. It all started because I woke up. I realize I have started another day of misery. Just kidding. It's really not that bad since you and Cassie aren't here. I can not believe that I am in a class of freshman. It's one big rat race. I'm beginning to think they have no work ethic. Like I actually care. Wow, it took me only 10 minutes to write this much. I miss you guys so much. I'm beginning to think I'm depressed. I just miss everything. You don't have to worry. I'm not the "Going to kill myself" kind of depressed. I just think of how everything used to be and I miss it. I don't really miss Bob's but still, I was in the city. I can't wait until I move back. I hope that is soon. Whenever it is. Sometimes it feels like I don't belong anywhere. My biological parents both tell me they don't want me. And they have even told me that I was a mistake. My step-mom, Beth does not want me because her life is too full. And yet she has time for my sister. My aunt Cathy is only becoming a foster parent because she feels sorry for me. So I am even questioning moving in with her. I want somebody to want me in their life. Because everyone is always like "I love you" or "Happy Birthday" such as my family but they say those things because they have to. They say those things to my sister or my cousin Jake with a smile on their faces but when they get to me, half the time they forget what to say. Up until this last year when I met you and Cassie, I didn't celebrate my birthday. No one ever remembered my birthday. My 16th B-day was the best B-day of my entire life and I will remember it forever. On my birthday this year, I actually felt like someone cared about me. I may be popular and know a lot of people but you and Cassie are really the only people I care about. I really about my sisters and my brother but you know what I mean. You two are the only people that really care about me. I can't wait until I can move out and never be dependent on anyone ever again. Not my parents, not foster parents, no one. I can not wait until the day I meet someone who will say, "I like you for you not because of you looks, your body or your intelligence. I like the way you make me feel and the way you make me laugh." That's what I want, someone who really cares. I think the reason I don't want to have children is because I never got to be one or I was raising my three sisters. Granted I love them to death and I wouldn't change that for the world but, I don't know if I will ever want to take care of children in that way again. In a way, I already feel like a dad and I don't want to be. I want to be 16 years old, carefree. I think that is why I don't want my sisters to date, ever. I am kind of lost. I don't know what to do out here. I have no friends. No one to talk to. No one to be mean to. Just kidding! Ha-Ha! Gotta love me. Instead of sitting here all the damn day, wasting my life, I want to do something. I feel very unhappy. I really don't know why either. I guess I'm not depressed because I am really happy all the time and I laugh a lot. It just feels like something is missing. Why do I have the life I have? Why does my family not care? Why did I end up with a life like I have? Why do I have to be out here away from everything that is familiar to me when my dad got in trouble? Oh well. "Suck it up," everyone says. Well, I'm tired of sucking it up. I shouldn't have to. I didn't do anything wrong and I always get treated like shit. This may sound like a sob story and it may sound like I'm complaining but you are really the only person I feel comfortable telling this stuff to. I think you might be the only person that will not judge me because of what I wrote. Please don't take this wrongly. I just needed to say some of this. I even feel better right now knowing I told you. Well, I haven't actually told you. And I really don't even know why I wrote this. I am probably not going to mail it and most likely not going to give it to you on this weekend. Anyway, tell Cassie and everyone I say "Hey".
This is the second version of this particular letter. I didn't really care for the first. It was four pages. You know, I've been thinkin'. Maybe we should give it a go. What's the worst that could happen? I'd be dating a really great girl, and I think we both feel the same way. You know, I think the reason that I am scared to date you, is because og the whole Heather thing. Do you remember that? When I told you I really liked her? And Geoff the little "hoe" stole her? I'm scared because I like you a hell of a lot mor than anyone on this earth. Im beginning to love you. And I trust you with all my heart. But there is still the apprehension that some asshole will take you away. So, I figured. If I don't date her, than when she finds somebody else, it won't hurt as bad. Don't get me wrong. I trust you. But in my warped mind, it could happen. But on the other hand. People say they regret not dating that one person in high school and it ruined their life. And I figure, by not dating you, I am actually ruining mine. So I decided, that, why not. You're wonderful and I would be a fool to pass you up. I have never felt this way about another person. Sure, I have liked other people, and thought others were cute. But damn! You know when you catch me looking at you, and you give me a weird look, or say "what?" I'm transfixed. I really don't understand why you think you are unattractive or fat. You really aren't. Lastnight, while writing version #1 of this letter, I was trying to describe you. But then i came to the conclusion, you can't be described. You can't. Everything about you. Your hair, your beautiful blue eyes, especially your smile. I don't know what those other guys were thinking when they turned you down. You're one in a million. I feel so lucky because you like me. Do you remember when everyone said we were going to end up dating? Hannah, Brittany, even Liz? Well I guess they were wrong. I think that what we would have is much more. Yes we would date. But, for me at least, I enjoy being around you. I love the way you make me feel. And the way that you always bring attention to yourself. I love your sense of humor. Sorry if this is too mushy for you. But I guarantee, if we date, and have a relationship. I will try my hardest never to see you sad or upset. I always swore, that when I was with someone I truly cared about, I would do everything to make them happy. Sorry if I sound obsessed or anything. Hope I didnt scare you. Can't wait to talk to you.
This note is just because I finished the other and I have 15 minutes left of chemistry. And I wanted to talk to you about Cassie. How is she? Have you talked to her yet? I don't think that what she told you on the phone was all. Remember when we were on the phone with Steven and her on three-way? I wouldn't want to come between you and Cassie. It kind of felt like that on Saturday night. But I was just wondering. So now the rest of this letter is after talking to you on Tuesday night. So disregard anything we said above. I hope you past all your finals, I know I didn't. Next year hopefully I will care more. Actually if I am a Lakewood, I probably won't. But anyway, last night Cara and I were coming back from Aurora and the wind was so bad. We almost blew off the road. We saw a couple micro-bursts and we had some wind damage to some of the fences. On the gravel roads, Cara was sliding over the road and into the ditches. But the car has 4-whell drive so we got out. The poor horses, they got sand blasted. All the top soil was swept away. So Cara's lawn and garden we have to replant. We also just planted some apple and cherry trees that blew over. Oh well. It was weird. The power kept going out too. And I really couldn't see anyway. I had to build a house for business class, don't ask. And we had to use only index cards. And Oh my god, it's shit. I'm going to fail, like I care. Well, I just finished taking my history final. I think I passed. It was easy. Only because Mr. Dodge gave me the answers last night. Only two more days of school, I can't wait. I don't want to be a junior next year. I want to be a senior. Oh well. Since I came here, I can't. I probably couldn't have anyway. Guess I have two more years. What am I going to do my senior year? You're gone. Cassie's gone. Stephanie's gone. Who the hell will I talk to? I really don't have any friends that are sophomores. And I won't rely on Tessa for a friendship. This sucks. I'll be alone then like I am now. Oh well. Next year we'll party. Next year some time, we have to go to a club or something. And then my senior year, because I will be a loser. Maybe I'll pass some classes. 20 minutes left in this god foresaken 5th period class. My eyes really hurt. These eye drops don't work for shit. I think I'm going to throw up. Sorry if I gave you a mental. I guess I better go.